I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
