When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You're like the curious george of whores
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
