here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You've changed since you got that strap on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
