That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
