i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
