Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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