I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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