hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
