remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
