if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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