I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
