Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
