Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
