Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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