Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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