Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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