I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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