My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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