the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize