Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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