HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
