Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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