Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
