sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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