i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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