i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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