Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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