I feel like abortions should bother me more
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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