so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
