Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
