Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize