Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i was born a porn star she said
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
