I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
