I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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