im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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