Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
