did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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