Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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