A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
