The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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