Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
