peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize