a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
