Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
