I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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