three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize