Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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