There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
