Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
