Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
