I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
