Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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