I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
