I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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