Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
