he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
