I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
