You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize