I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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