Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
