Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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