Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
