My pussy is not your playground.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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