why didn't you poke me back
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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