Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
