Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I CAN MOONWALK!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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